Friday, November 13, 2009

Rational & Irrational Suicide

Rational Suicide- When one is terminally ill and takes ones life in his own hands on his own terms.

Irrational Suicide- When Mental illness chooses for you and you don't seek other options of help and you listen to those little feelings to escape mental pain.

I'm right in the middle of a tight rope walk and if I stay I'll be ok.

Monday woke up feeling pretty shitty, copd , chest cold , lung infection settled in , labored breathing until Tuesday 3:30 PM, copd eased up until about 7:30 and kicked back up in full flare.
Took my myself of oxygen , wrote my last will & testament for my kid , sat down and read a few journals, joked around, got tired and laid down to die, let nature take it's course I figure.
Laying there waiting to die in dignity, had stomach cramps and did not want to shit all over deaths parade, crawled into the toilet did my shit and laid back down to die.
I don't know what made me get up to answer an e-mail( forgot to shut the freakin computer off), It was my Friend Jim Sullivan that sent me a life saving e-mail, you see Jim likes singing and records it and he sent me a song that saved my life!!!!!!!!!
Mr. James Sullivan Sir , God bless you!

Well that song put a freakin' great spark into my heart , got me rethinking life!
So on that note......
My darling Debbie I love you with all my heart and soul, yes darling I'll save the last dance for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm ok now ,Peace be with all of you, I love you all!

I'm here to stay!

And as always,thanks for listening!


Debbie said...

We love you too, John! Don't you dare die on us! I had been thinking about emailing you to see if you were alright because you hadn't written and I hadn't seen your comments on other blogs. I had a feeling something was terribly wrong. I'm glad you picked yourself up by the boot strap and have the will to live. Thank you Jimmy for saving John's life!

John, we love you, please don't ever forget that and more importantly your daughter & grandson love you and need you in their lives.


Dutch said...

Oh John, it pains me to no end on how you are feeling. I can't find the words to tell you how much you are loved here. You have always been so kind with your comments and when I was feeling very blue, I would come to your blog and you would make me laugh.
I am so happy that Jimmy sent you that video. I love Michael Buble. I just bought one of his cd's about 2 months ago & also got one from the library.
The comment that Debbie left I agree with that your daughter & grandson love & need you. Please try to remember that.
BIG HUGS ((((((John)))))

Jimmy's Journal said...

John - The CD is sent you is one of my best. I recorded it in my home studio and I thought you would like it. Al of the harmonies in the song were also sung by me.

The thought of my song inspiring you to keep on, keeping on, is very satisfying.

Thank you for reaching out again for the good things in life that allow us all a little bit of self satisfaction.


Melanie said...

awwww sweetie...we woul miss you!

Stay stong for us.

Love ya


Paula said...

I noticed you weren't here but so many go to Facebook so I thought thats where you were. So many people here care about you so take care of yourself and try not to think those bad thoughts.

That corgi :) said...

I think God is definitely working in your life and telling you it is not time yet. I'm thankful Jimmy thought to send you that song just when you needed to hear it. I believe it truly was answers to prayer; when I pray for you, I pray that people will "love on you" and be there for you. Seems like Jimmy was exactly that.

keep reaching out and writing and letting us know how you are doing; we are all rooting for you as you go through this season of grieving and praying for you


Melissa said...

Debbie is smiling. I know it.

Kattytrick said...

I don't know what to say...except I'm glad you didn't turn off your computer, and that you are still here. Thank God for Jim Sullivan. I don't know if you've figured this out yet or not but YOU WOULD BE SOURLY MISSED!

ADB said...

Good to see you're still there, John.

Rose said...

Dear John,

We were dragged unwillingly into this so-called life passage, but there will always be good days and bad days, fears and tears and all the inequities that comprise life at any time.

My husband passed away 8 years ago and the pain is still there. I will always miss him.

We love you Darling! Glad Jimmy Sullivan sent you an email at your time of need. I believe God had something to do with that.

I also understand your COPD.

I do hope you are under the doctor's care. Allow your family and friends to help you.

Ironically, one evening I couldn't sleep and an email also appeared with a beautful song from Jimmy Sullivan.........I slept like baby after that.

I guess Jimmy has some magic powers he is not even aware of! LOL

I strongly believe in the power of prayer. I'm praying for you. Grieving is a painful process. Just take one day at a time.

God Bless You! Hugs, Rose

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

Keep that spark you now have glowing!!! Life is so precious and the fact that you are here is important. Keep the faith!

salemslot9 said...

if your Deb was here
and you were there
I think you would want
her to go on without you
until it was her time
to be with you, again

Indigo said...

((Hugs)) I truly do know how your feeling. I've had those days and in the end I've found my worst day was better than not having another one. I'm glad you decided to hang in there dear friend. You are cherished more than you'll ever know. I for one would of felt the absence of your words and friendship. One day at a's all any of us can do. (Hugs)Indigo

Rose said...

people do care buddy and it's the ones you least expect!

Sugar said...

just got out of hosp today, & read this! john, i'm shocked! you know i lost my younger son to suicide, please don't let me lose my dear friend, & a dtr, & gson, lose you...what would deb say? she'd be shocked too, & sad that you'd even consider it. there are many that love you.
sending a prayer up on your behalf.

Lisa said...

I'm truly sorry to hear you had such a rough time of it but I am delighted to no end to hear it has passed thanks to Jimmy. I'm happy to hear you are going to be around to keep us amused! :)