Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Mental Meltdown

For the first time in my life I'm all alone.

I don't know what the future holds for me, it kind of looks bleak right now.

The depression seems to be getting deeper, its roots dug deep in to my soul.

I met a nice lady at one of the stores I go to (about 2 weeks ago) we are slowly becoming friends, I was going to ask her yesterday if she wanted to join me for dinner, until I realize her name was Debbie, I almost had a freakin' melt down right there in the store.

I came home in a disturbed depressed state, What the hell was I thinking ? It is way to early to be asking anyone to join me for dinner.

My heart still hurts, my mind aches for my Debbie,how could I do that to her?It feels like I'd be cheating on her!

I've been in a bad way , need sleep.

I think I'm going to need therapy and stronger pills.

Going to medicate so I can sleep, Good night!

And as always, thanks for listening!


a corgi said...

definitely call your doctor to see if they need to change the meds a bit; also see if they can recommend a therapist/counselor that you can talk with to help you through this time; check to see if churches have grief recovery or some type of grief support group

I'm sooooo sorry; will continue to pray for you


Joann said...

John, Debbie would NOT want you to be alone, having dinner with someone could be nice, maybe even good for you.

Meanwhile, you definitely SHOULD talk to your dr. and check out a support group. Nothing wrong with talking to someone.

Saying prayers for you, my friend. Wishing you comfort and peace!!

Linda's World said...

John, I agree with both Betty and Joann. Remember it's ok to have friends. Your Debbie would not want you to isolate yourself. And asking someone to have dinner with you is not cheating, you're merely having dinner with a friend. But do call your doctor and absolutley seek out some grief counseling. Hugs to you...Linda in Washington

Marty said...

Hi Johnny,
I think your friends here so far have the right idea ... you shouldn't feel guilty about having dinner with a friend. I'm sure Debbie would want that. And with all you've been through, perhaps it makes sense to check with your doctor, and look into grief counseling. You shouldn't have to feel like you're all alone.

Sugar said...

my last commented deleted due to a lot of typos.

it's ok to have dinner with a friend. nothing wrong with that. may be too soon for anything else. don't jump into something, just so you won't be alone, give it time.
please call your doc, he can give you something to help, if you're taking something already, he may need to adjust the dosage. ask him about the name of a good counselor, there's no shame in it.
also, check into support groups, it can often help, there's several others there in your situation.
sending a prayer, dear johnny.
& a big hug...

Cindi said...

The awful thing about experiencing grief is the ebbs of sadness that occur once they are gone....there is no rule when or when not to "see" someone..we all need people involved in our's human nature....go to a support group, call the girl up too...but remember grief is what it is....painful, but you can live thru it....
take care..sending prayers

Tabby said...

My dear friend I wish I lived closer and I would have you over to dinner every night with me and Dave so you would not feel so alone. You just need some companionship right now so you do not feel so alone as it gives you too much time to think and drive yourself crazy. I really think therapy would be a good thing for you call your doctor asap. I saw what Dave's dad went through when he lost his wife to cancer around 5 years ago they where married for 45 years, it is not an easy thing at all. I know Debbie is looking down on you and wants you to be alright and live the best life you can until you join her in heaven. I am sure she would not be mad at you if you had dinner with the lady, if you are becoming friends I am sure she knows about your loss. Maybe she will let you call her by her middle name so it is not so weird for you. What ever you decide please get some counseling, and be careful with the pills unfortunately you will have to go through the grieving process and no pill will fix that. I am praying for you, please take care of yourself the best you can.
Hugs buddy

Indigo said...

I just sent an email your way. (Hugs)Indigo

salemslot9 said...

maybe, lunch
if she was a he
would you want to be friends?
way too soon
for anything more
just a thought...

ADB said...

Very sorry to hear you had such a bad flashback. Do what you feel is needed to get you on a more even keel. But do not abandon the friendship with the lady, it might be just the thing to help you back on the road to recovery. Keeping you in thought.

Kattytrick said...

Oh my sweet love! I'm so sorry you feel this way. I agree with all posted above me here. Dinner with a friend is not cheating. It's reaching out. Talk to your Dr. Johnny G. Grief is a bitch of a thing to deal with alone!

Hollie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! Praying for you!

Dutch said...

I wish we lived closer so I can come visit with you and make you a nice hot dinner.
I think you will know in your heart when you are ready to go out & have dinner with someone.
I just loved everyone comments. I agree with all of them.

Paula said...

As you know I am a widow and the best thing I did was join a Widowed Person's Support Group. They won't push you. You can talk it out if you want or you can just listen. You realize there are others in the same boat as you and you will probably make some lasting friends. There may even be a social part as some going out to eat or for coffee. The group I joined saved me Johnny G. It really did. Feel better soon we care about you.

Dawn said...

I think Debbie sent you the new Debbie as a friend. You could meet out to eat, somewhere with an inexpensive meal special and go dutch. Just friends.

Go to therapy.. go to clergy... go to friends. Reach out to those around you. It is ok to make new ones too.

be well... prayers on their way!

Dawn said...

Check into a grief support group... they can be awesome.

be well...

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

I'll be praying for you too. I know the pain of being left alone. It does takes time to get over a loss but it does lessen. We never forget a loved one but the pain does decrease. If you need counceling please don't wait. Find someone to help you. There are plenty of groups out there that are filled with people just like you that can help. If going out with someone helps then do it. A dinner shared is better than being alone.

Debbie said...

John, I really don't know what to say except take it one day at a time. You're still grieving very deeply for Debbie and I know you are lonely. I can see from what you've written here that you realize that you aren't ready for female companionship yet. Grief has no time limit and I think you will know in your heart when the time comes that you can move beyond that grief but until then work yourself through it one step at a time, just don't rush into something you may later regret. Sending you hugs, love, & prayers.


LdyRoxx said...

Oh Sweetie I'm so sad to read this. Yes, call your doc, talk to a counselor, pastor, call your daughter. Hell call me!
Debbie wouldn't want you to be alone, she'd be too worried about you. Dinner is good, someone to talk with. Wrapping you in love and prayers my friend!!
Love you!

jack69 said...

Hey old man, I seldom comment, but In this case i think you have had some great advice from folks who have been where you are. But from te outside looking in, I think female friendship would do you good! THERE IS NO TIME TABLE I think it is up to you!!!!
Take care,
From Kentucky
Jack & Sherry

Lisa said...

I read all of the comments and I don't have anything to add. Everyone is saying what I was going to say. Please don't shut yourself off from the world and the future, none of us know what tomorrow will bring but you have to keep your mind open. From reading about your Debbie on these pages, she was a fun loving, jokster and I know....I KNOW she would not want her Johnny growing old & bitter while the world passes him by.

Lori J said...

Dear Garnett,
I concur with Betty's NOT try and go through this alone without some professional help..please..........


Rose said...

Darling,I've been there and I understand all the feelings you are experiencing.

Number one, call your doctor. Number two, you need to be in a Bereavement Group ASAP.

It is perfectly fine to have dinner with a lady. They having the same name blew your mind and set you back.

You will have setbacks, it is normal. I didn't say they would be pleasant but they are normal.

We care about you. You will expect to experience seven stages of pain.
1. Shock and Denial
2. Confusion
3. Emotional Release
4. Anger
5. Guilt
6. Depression and Isolation
7. Recovery...the last stage is acceptance is finalized and the widowed person begins to function independently and to mak a new life.

I didn't say it would be easy but Debbie would not want you hurting. Think beautiful memories of her. She knows your life has to go on.

I have you in my prayers daily.

Hugs, Rose

Jimmy's Journal said...

You need to see people! I'm quite sure if the shoe was on the other foot, you would want Debbie to be happy and I'm defintely sure she'd want the same for you.

A harmless dinner wouldn't hurt anyone and who knows, the other person may be suffering as well.