Sunday, November 9, 2008

??????????????????????????????

In the depths of my mind I replay 9-14-08 and now I realize that it did not matter how fast the ambulance came, nor how much cpr we did it was just her time or was it?
I mean did I do right thing by taking her off of life support?
Did I give her a fighting chance?

My mind has been tortured for almost 2 months now and personally friends I need to kill that pain , How? I don't know yet but it ain't getting better in my head.

15 comments:

Indigo said...

You didn't take her off the life support until they told you she was brain dead hon. She was already gone before you made that decision. The reason why it tortures you so...is because you miss her and loved her. Let the ending go and remember her in life, the person she was. Your in my thoughts dear one. (Hugs)Indigo

Sugar said...

it's been 7 yrs for me re my mom, 4 yrs re my son, i still replay things in my mind & wonder.
but i can't let it control my life, i have to think about it, then think about something else. used to be every day...now it's down to a couple times a wk.
you know i have strong faith, i have taken my doubts to God in prayer many times...perhaps that's how it dwindled from dly till wkly. maybe it's just time.
but i do pray about it, then pray about other things that need my energy, things & people still here.
there's no answer here, my friend. just do what feels right to you. if you need help...consult your dr or your pastor...or both.
sending up prayers for you...that you find peace, as your Mother has, she wouldn't want to live on a machine, & she was already brain dead, there was no coming back, you did what she wanted i think.
God bless you...

Sue said...

John, You did the courageous thing, the right decision at the right time. Her time was done. Indigo said it best, let the ending go. You have marvelous memories, enjoy them. Hang in there friend.
Sue

Robin said...

I'm so sorry you had to make that decision but I feel it was the right one...if the roles were reversed what would you have wanted her to do for you? Try and embrace all those good times, smiles, and wonderful memories...let her love carry you thru this dark time.

Marty said...

Hi Johnny,
You've been through a tough time but don't beat yourself up about this. It's obvious that you did absolutely everything possible for your mom. You'll be dealing with this loss for some time but as for second-guessing yourself, I'm sure your mom wouldn't want that. There's nothing else you could have done because some things are just out of our hands.
Best,
Marty

Debbie said...

In all honesty John there will always be "what ifs". I know because I've been living and reliving the "what ifs" for a long time. The reality is that it was their time to go but those of us left behind who have loved and been loved have a hell of a time keeping ourselves from drowning in sorrow. Love doesn't die with death it grows stronger and it hurts more than words can say. Sending you lots of hugs my friend!
Hugs
Debbie

Paula said...

Your loss is still so fresh but I think you did the right thing. I had to make a decision with Mel but he had always told me he didn't want to live as a vegetable. I don't think your mom would have wanted that either God bless you Johnny G.

SHOOBIE HUNTER said...

HEY BUDDY...JUST AS I SAID BEFORE..REMEMBER HER LIFE AND REMEMBER A SPECIAL TIME YOU BOTH HAD..PUT THAT IN PLACE OF THAT DAY...I AM SURE YOUR MOM WOULD WANT YOU TO REMEMBER SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU SMILE..AND NOT SECOND GUESS YOURSELF..I KNOW YOU AND I KNOW YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD DO FOR YOUR MOM. YOU ARE A KIND AND LOVING SOUL...AND I KNOW THAT TO BE SO TRUE..BE GOOD TO YOURSELF..STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP...BREATH IN AND EXHALE...LOVE YOU SO MUCH BUDDY...YOU ARE WONDERFUL...HUGS

MISSY said...

John, you made the right decision. They wouldn't have let you remove the life support if she had a fighting chance. Life support isn't natural, it was her time.

You may want to talk to a doctor and get yourself on something for a little while to keep you from feeling so down. I know it's normal to be sad of course but if it gets to bad, go get some help.

Loosing someone, especially your mother is not easy.. it's devastating especially if you guys were close. Allow yourself to hurt but within a normal range, don't torture yourself. Get some help if you feel too bad.
Love always -Missy

Lainey Laine said...

I found you through Indigo's Journal and I always like your comments so thought I would come by.

About twenty-five years ago my cousin was knocked down off his motorbike and ended up on the life support system. He was only 25 at the time and had his whole life ahead of him. My aunty and uncle had were told by the doctors that he was brain dead and left them with the decision to turn the machine off. Our family was so distraught and we wanted to keep him but we knew that he would not have wanted to live that way. It was the kindest thing to do to turn off the life support machine. Very hard for my aunty and uncle and it did take them a long time to come to terms with it. But they did come to terms with it in time. We remember him as he was and how happy he was before the accident. We didnt have to see him suffer. He just fell asleep peacefully. You have so done the right thing - you released her into peacefulness.
Laine xxxx
http://lainey-lainesworld.blogspot.com/

Rose said...

It has been almost 8 years since my husband passed away and there are some days I relive that dreadful day over and over in my head.

Do not feel guilty over your decision. All the what ifs will not change the outcome.

Try to think of the happy times you had with your mother....don't focus on that dreadful day. Celebrate her life and not her passing. That is what helps me.

Hugs, Rose

salemslot9 said...

I still feel bad that I wasn't there for my Dad 7 years ago on the day he passed away. I'm a christian. So, I believe they're with our Father. Let's have a drink...to your Mom and my Dad

michele said...

hi, try not to beat yourself up, you made the right decision. In time you will see that and the pain will ease. my thoughts are with you. take care mrs t xx

Lisa said...

Indigo said exactly what I was thinking. You had to make a painful decision and I truly believe, in my heart, you made the right decision.

Keep the good times and good thoughts in your heart and soon your mind will follow.

I Pray for peace for you my friend.
xx

Lisa said...

Indigo said exactly what I was thinking. You had to make a painful decision and I truly believe, in my heart, you made the right decision.

Keep the good times and good thoughts in your heart and soon your mind will follow.

I Pray for peace for you my friend.
xx